(Dear Anne, You are the only one that might happen to read these so I figure it is appropriate to address this disclaimer specifically to you. :) The post you are about to read might make you think I am kind of lame. I will make my next post bubbly and upbeat. For now, this is what you get. Give Cohen a hug from me.)
I am officially part of the “I’m over Law School” fan club. This is a bad thing knowing that Steve hasn’t even made it through the first semester yet. Right now I am in poor pitiful me mode and I am not even the one in law school. Oh man, there are still 5 ¾ semesters to go! We got married, had a couple months of laziness and then it was time to get the show on the road. Off to school he went and I didn’t complain. August, September, October and even November all passed by without a hitch. Yes I constantly moaned and groaned every time he popped in for a short time period here or there and then would dash off again back to hover over his books. However, the protests and dramatic pleading was simply a way for me to showcase some of my drama skills. I wasn’t truly that distressed about the demanding schedule of a studioholic. The first couple weeks of law school lent itself to laying some ground rules. No I was not ok with never hearing from or seeing my husband in a day. (That is aside from the time each morning I resignedly make my way out of bed and pass by him once as I run out the door to work. However, I don’t count the morning encounters because I am not a morning person and I rarely utter many words before 7 a.m. This is a true fact, you can ask all of my previous roommates.) That was the first piece of business we had to iron out from the get go. The semester had just begun and I could not handle that kind of schedule for the next three years of my life. After a few days of this I turned into the mean, one word answer wife until we were able to converse and get down to the details of how to combine our 2 lives embedded in the mist of law school. So that happily came to a stop and often Steve headed home earlier in the day to eat dinner and take a break around the same time I ventured home from work. Then off to studying he went and I was satisfied. Soon, the habit of making our apartment his study sanctuary started to become a more frequent occurrence. I liked that too. Although we didn’t really hang out, he was around and we had 5 minutes here or there throughout the evening.
Throughout this first semester, every time I talk to my brother and sister in law they bring up the subject of how I am coping with life as a secondhand law schooler. They too were newlyweds that dove into law school. The journey was a long and arduous one for both of them. I was somewhat perplexed when I would compare my notes with theirs on how I should be feeling. I didn’t feel lonely, bored, like I needed new hobbies, or needed to find new friends in a new place away from family/friends. I never knew how to respond after listening to my brother and his wife discuss the woes that Steve and I should be facing. I guarantee Steve was relating because he is the one actually in law school. I am simply the spectator. I was given all kinds of suggestions of how to get through the next three years. They all sounded like great ideas I just didn’t feel like anything about what this first semester was turning out to be involved implementing any survival methods for me. Law school was a piece of cake on my end. I can’t say the same for Steve.
Well, everything I heard over and over again from my wise family members finally came to light. I don’t know why I thought that I was an exception to this rule. As of late, I am the epitome of a disgraceful law school wife. I am not sure why the onset of being so over law school didn’t happen until now but it happened. I am ready for law school to be done with forever because I am bored, lonely and missing socializing with anything that is not my TV. Being a poor newlywed does not lend many opportunities for finding things to do by yourself that do not involve regularly spending money. It has slowly crept up on me and I think that gradually every day the reality of what my daily life is has slowly sunk in. Yes I am complaining and I probably shouldn’t be. Lets face it I have a pretty sweet life that I shouldn’t have much to complain about. But I am complaining anyway because it helps me justify why I have basically been out right mean for the past week. I don’t think it helped that I went on a fabulous 2 day girl’s vacation a week ago with 9 of my most favorite friends. It was rejuvenating, invigorating and every other word that describes the ultimate mix of partying, playing, relaxing, laughing and everything else that you need from friends. Then, I came home and all of that was immediately gone. It is just me and the TV again. This is possibly the worst time for me to be in selfish, mean mode when Steve is in the midst of preparing for finals. Preparation for finals is soooo long though. It isn’t like my college stunts of cram the day before the test and call it good. All semester is preparing for finals and everyday is studying and it is this constant vicious cycle that will be around for the next three years. I guess I do need a hobby of some sort. Let finals be over already!
26.9.09
The Economy Is Struggling, Really?!
It seems that Saturday is becoming my default day for typing up some new thoughts to add on here. My husband is at the library studying and I am sitting here thinking about all of the things I should be getting done. My job feels all consuming, which I am sure is the case for most people. This endless list of job related responsibilities hangs over my head just waiting for me to start checking things off. I hate the idea of using Saturday to accomplish any of that checklist. I usually put it off, leaving me feeling behind all week long just barely able to stay afloat. Today is one of those Saturdays that I absolutely have to devote to work. So instead, I took a detour to this blog in order to avoid the task of getting started on anything that remotely represents work. Distracting myself for a little longer is a trait I have mastered far too well. I would probably deem myself lazy. If it was my choice I probably would be the most unproductive human being around. Wasting time is something I do very well. Last night while we were driving in the car I blurted out to my husband, "Being a responsible adult is exhausting!" He didn't give much of a response. I am sure some of his thoughts in that moment ran along the lines of:
- she has no children to worry about
- she is only required to be at work until 2:40 pm everyday (granted there are endless unpaid hours I put in.)
- she hardly ever cleans the apartment
- she isn't in law school
-she doesn't have to study for countless hours on end
- she has no idea the fragile state that the world is currently in
Once I ran through that list in my head I felt somewhat stupid for making such a bold statement in relation to my life. I am pretty oblivious to anything happening outside of my very narrow lens. Marrying a guy committed to staying connected and informed on critical issues and updates faced nationally has been an interesting journey for both of us. He is often shocked once he realizes that most of the play by plays he is relaying concerning well know news are tidbits that seem to be novel to me. I should be better informed on most things. Perfect for me I have a personal guide that can spoon feed me the information as needed.
- she has no children to worry about
- she is only required to be at work until 2:40 pm everyday (granted there are endless unpaid hours I put in.)
- she hardly ever cleans the apartment
- she isn't in law school
-she doesn't have to study for countless hours on end
- she has no idea the fragile state that the world is currently in
Once I ran through that list in my head I felt somewhat stupid for making such a bold statement in relation to my life. I am pretty oblivious to anything happening outside of my very narrow lens. Marrying a guy committed to staying connected and informed on critical issues and updates faced nationally has been an interesting journey for both of us. He is often shocked once he realizes that most of the play by plays he is relaying concerning well know news are tidbits that seem to be novel to me. I should be better informed on most things. Perfect for me I have a personal guide that can spoon feed me the information as needed.
19.9.09
Thoughts About My Day
I’m a newlywed. Today is day 105 of marriage for me. I am sure my marriage is comparable to most. Everyone continues to tell me that the first year of marriage is either the toughest and most trying year or the most blissful year. I find it interesting how people share the same types of advice that they realize you have already heard over and over again. I think this is mostly due to the lack of substance to insert during friendly conversations you get into with acquaintances. We state things that we know are safe content and will be easily accepted by the recipient. The dialogue continues in a manner that is typically predictable. I also find it curious that people ask me in an indirect manner which category my newlywed chapter is falling into. Life is fun and games at home with my husband every night is usually what I find to be the most appropriate thing to say in response. I don’t want to disrupt the harmony of the surface level conversation that is ensuing.
Like I said, I am sure my daily married moments are relatable to most people. Day 105 of marriage is going well. I woke up this Saturday morning alone in my bed. My husband and I hold opposite views of how Saturday morning should go. I work hard all week and get up far too early for my comfort. Friday night I stay up ridiculously late past the point of exhaustion just because I can. Saturday morning I sleep and start my day whenever my body decides to get up. Then there is my husband who feels every moment should be productive. If not, life lacks a sense of satisfaction. Saturday morning starts early with running, cleaning every inch of our living space, scripture reading, journaling and right into studying. On all other days of the week I usually feel inklings of jealousy for his diligence to get his day started strong. However, Saturdays are an entirely different story. I want to sleep and lazily meander into the day. I spend a lot of time reflecting on past memories thinking about occurrences in my life that have come and gone.
Today my reflective moment consisted of looking at a random Facebook picture in one of my friend’s albums. They are standing in the snow outside of their apartment in Utah. I found myself lost in thoughts of college at BYU during the long winters. My heart felt a few seconds of longing to be back in moments like that. My mind raced through many of them and then stopped on one that obviously has many specific emotions connected to it. I saw myself walking outside through the snow with the boy I felt madly in love with. We had just exited the BYU library together. It was late and we were both tired. As we walked on the fresh snow drifting down covering the paths of campus, I felt so alert to everything around me. There was a stillness and quietness surrounding us. The snow showcased the stunning glistening effect that always amazes me. Buried in winter attire, I wanted to walk forever with the full moon illuminating the peaceful, ideal winter wonderland I was experiencing. That moment in my life played out perfectly. I am glad my mind moved past the endless moments of cursing the snow through 5 chilly winters in Provo and stopped on this one today.
Good thing the boy in my winter memory is my husband. That would be slightly awkward if it wasn’t. He got things done this morning and was proactive while I lay in bed. I once again will reiterate that I have no hang ups with my Saturday routines. Previous Saturday mornings I have wished my husband would just take it all in with me and put the cleaning supplies on hold for a little while. We ultimately came to the understanding that, I know he will get up early and he knows Saturday morning rituals shouldn't involve any loud activities while I am in bed. So this morning I eventually stumbled out of bed and onto the couch to finish watching the movie, “Marley and Me” which I attempted to dive into the previous evening around midnight. The morning suddenly fit into my plans when my husband walked out of his study domain and joined me on the couch. He stayed until the end. He is gone now studying and I am a content wife for the day.
Like I said, I am sure my daily married moments are relatable to most people. Day 105 of marriage is going well. I woke up this Saturday morning alone in my bed. My husband and I hold opposite views of how Saturday morning should go. I work hard all week and get up far too early for my comfort. Friday night I stay up ridiculously late past the point of exhaustion just because I can. Saturday morning I sleep and start my day whenever my body decides to get up. Then there is my husband who feels every moment should be productive. If not, life lacks a sense of satisfaction. Saturday morning starts early with running, cleaning every inch of our living space, scripture reading, journaling and right into studying. On all other days of the week I usually feel inklings of jealousy for his diligence to get his day started strong. However, Saturdays are an entirely different story. I want to sleep and lazily meander into the day. I spend a lot of time reflecting on past memories thinking about occurrences in my life that have come and gone.
Today my reflective moment consisted of looking at a random Facebook picture in one of my friend’s albums. They are standing in the snow outside of their apartment in Utah. I found myself lost in thoughts of college at BYU during the long winters. My heart felt a few seconds of longing to be back in moments like that. My mind raced through many of them and then stopped on one that obviously has many specific emotions connected to it. I saw myself walking outside through the snow with the boy I felt madly in love with. We had just exited the BYU library together. It was late and we were both tired. As we walked on the fresh snow drifting down covering the paths of campus, I felt so alert to everything around me. There was a stillness and quietness surrounding us. The snow showcased the stunning glistening effect that always amazes me. Buried in winter attire, I wanted to walk forever with the full moon illuminating the peaceful, ideal winter wonderland I was experiencing. That moment in my life played out perfectly. I am glad my mind moved past the endless moments of cursing the snow through 5 chilly winters in Provo and stopped on this one today.
Good thing the boy in my winter memory is my husband. That would be slightly awkward if it wasn’t. He got things done this morning and was proactive while I lay in bed. I once again will reiterate that I have no hang ups with my Saturday routines. Previous Saturday mornings I have wished my husband would just take it all in with me and put the cleaning supplies on hold for a little while. We ultimately came to the understanding that, I know he will get up early and he knows Saturday morning rituals shouldn't involve any loud activities while I am in bed. So this morning I eventually stumbled out of bed and onto the couch to finish watching the movie, “Marley and Me” which I attempted to dive into the previous evening around midnight. The morning suddenly fit into my plans when my husband walked out of his study domain and joined me on the couch. He stayed until the end. He is gone now studying and I am a content wife for the day.
Blog Settings
Yep I have a second entry on the same day. I just didn’t find it fitting to stick everything into one post so I will break them up as I see fit. I feel frustrated that I can’t figure out how to publish a post with indents in it. That makes me feel unintelligent. I tried twice on my last post because the words flowed better divided into two paragraphs. I indent, hit enter and it shows up on my page with no indents. I could try harder but I give up for now.
I love that the date on each entry is written with the day first, then the month and last the year. It reminds me of Tonga. Living in Tonga taught me all kinds of things about life. I have to say that is the most exhilarating life experience I have had thus far. I want to have more of what comes with being in new places and engulfing yourself in ways of life that expand your own life. Every day I was teaching there, I had to make a conscious effort to write the date up on the chalkboard in the same manner they did. That’s what I loved most, being conscious of everything around me. Being in Tonga forced me to do that. Routines can start to become a thoughtless process. Tonga brought me out of that and into a vivid awareness of life.
I love that the date on each entry is written with the day first, then the month and last the year. It reminds me of Tonga. Living in Tonga taught me all kinds of things about life. I have to say that is the most exhilarating life experience I have had thus far. I want to have more of what comes with being in new places and engulfing yourself in ways of life that expand your own life. Every day I was teaching there, I had to make a conscious effort to write the date up on the chalkboard in the same manner they did. That’s what I loved most, being conscious of everything around me. Being in Tonga forced me to do that. Routines can start to become a thoughtless process. Tonga brought me out of that and into a vivid awareness of life.
Attempt #109 To Journal
It seems my blog is still residing undercover, I like it. For now I feel like I have the freedom to be open and honest because so far my words are echoing in my ears alone. This will be a welcoming reflective tool for me. I know I have the ability to make this a private resource. However, for some reason I find myself shying away from that idea. It takes all of the fun out of the potential of being discovered in the public world of online journaling. I also realize I could and should simply keep a private journal. The problem is I have yet to make that a habit during the last 25 years of my life. With such strong evidence, I find it hard to believe I have the mindset to pick up a consistent "Dear Diary" type relationship now. Blogging might be my perfect solution to evolving into a faithful recorder of my life. My fear is the phrase "might be". I find it fascinating the mysterious power that blogging has over people. Maybe it will sweep me up too and my motivation to share daily realizations will start to unfold on this computer in this cyber world.
A keynote principle I have learned during my time in the world of elementary education is that a student must have content presented to them in a manner that connects to some form of intrinsic motivation. I had a student who would not engage in any learning activity if it did not relate to the cyber pet toy that he had attached to his pant loop every single day of the school year. It was odd how motivated he was by his fake pet. With the press of some simple buttons on his device it was instantly fed, walked, or played with. My student took immense gratification in this toy. It became his reality and his obsession. As a result, all of my teaching started to revolve around creating methods to build in his reality into the classroom. During one lesson we were practicing antonyms. So, I printed antonym word cards on paper that had his cyber pet toy as the background and the word written on the screen of the toy. He did the entire activity matching pairs of words together simply because of the paper it was printed on. It was amazing to me the instant change in his perception of the underlining objective of what he was really doing. The antonyms were fashioned in a way that adjusted his perception and therefore it became a painless and engaging experience for him. That is what blogging seems to be for me, a mask for the real task of journaling. Blogging is addicting and compelling. It absorbs one's attention. Yet, blogging is a savvy way to hook people into journaling. I need that hook. For now it is working.
A keynote principle I have learned during my time in the world of elementary education is that a student must have content presented to them in a manner that connects to some form of intrinsic motivation. I had a student who would not engage in any learning activity if it did not relate to the cyber pet toy that he had attached to his pant loop every single day of the school year. It was odd how motivated he was by his fake pet. With the press of some simple buttons on his device it was instantly fed, walked, or played with. My student took immense gratification in this toy. It became his reality and his obsession. As a result, all of my teaching started to revolve around creating methods to build in his reality into the classroom. During one lesson we were practicing antonyms. So, I printed antonym word cards on paper that had his cyber pet toy as the background and the word written on the screen of the toy. He did the entire activity matching pairs of words together simply because of the paper it was printed on. It was amazing to me the instant change in his perception of the underlining objective of what he was really doing. The antonyms were fashioned in a way that adjusted his perception and therefore it became a painless and engaging experience for him. That is what blogging seems to be for me, a mask for the real task of journaling. Blogging is addicting and compelling. It absorbs one's attention. Yet, blogging is a savvy way to hook people into journaling. I need that hook. For now it is working.
5.9.09
Hello
I witnessed the up and coming trend that blogging became and I waited. Then, I waited some more and kept waiting. I have found throughout my life I tend to follow the same patterns. I make note of whatever is deemed the latest and greatest. Then, I continue to come to the same conclusion that trends are just that and after I have spent time or money devoted to ritualizing myself into a given trend, I've only made it in just enough time to see it fade out. All my effort wasted. So, I decide early on to stand by and wait. The cycle will come and go and all the while I will have lost nothing in the process. After what feels like sufficient time has passed, I always feel like my restraint will be of benefit. However, I quickly realize that I am starting to feel left out. The urge to be a part of everything keeps probing me. So, I jump in at the last minute when everyone else is typically on to something bigger and better. I am inducting myself into the blogging craze because it seems to not be going away anytime soon. However, my past experiences have taught me differently. I am hoping that I am not wasting a lot of time and energy timidly stepping into a blog only to see everyone else discover something better. Plus, I figure I have done enough blog stalking that essentially I have been secondhand blogging for a while now. I don't really know what my objective is with writing on a blog. For now I am just going to write and if you randomly happen to make your way here say hello.
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